Lately i have been reading a lot of posts on gender expression. Although most of these posts have been from a butch prospective it has got me thinking. i am i guess what would be called a femme, a lipstick lesbian, a girly girl. I love my makeup and heels. I love to get dressed up in girly clothes. I love to smell good and I like the way that the ritual of makeup makes me feel. I do also enjoy dressing down. I love to snuggle on the couch with the wife in a comfy pair of sweats. I don't always get all dolled up, but know how to when I want to. Here is my for lack of a better word problem. I have been told over and over again that I dont look like a lesbian. Now I want to know what does a lesbian look like. I know that some women just present as such, my wife is one of those. If she were in a room of women and someone who didn't know her called her name and she stood up the first thought is ohh a lesbian. I on the other hand have to work harder to convince people that I am a lesbian. I have only been out for about 5 years and at first I was comfortable with the fact that people don't always know that I was gay, however now I have moved on to wanting to be known as a lesbian, I want people to look at me and think lesbian. I wear a rainbow beaded bracelet most of the time and I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. I know these are symbols that our community will recognise and I get the lesbian nod every once in awhile, but mostly when the wife is with me so I don't know if it's her or me they are nodding at.
I know that most of this problem is in my head and that my identity as a lesbian is not a problem. I love women and though I was married for 10+ years to a man I always knew that I liked girls. My problem is how do I get people to acknowledge that I am a lesbian on an everyday basis. I don't mind explaining myself I just hate it when I have to convince someone that not all lesbians wear flannel and have a mullet. I have tried to dress more butch, it just doesn't work for me. My wife laughs at my attempts, not because I look funny but because no matter what I can not look butch. In a baseball hat, sweat shirt,jeans and timberland boots I still scream girly, not that I mind screaming girly but come on even dressed like this I have still had to convince people that I am gay. I guess that I just want to be a visible lesbian without having to be all in your face about it. I guess that deep down I know that my identity as a lesbian is going to have to be something that I learn to except and hope that people just treat me well as who I am. I guess this will have to do until I get the courage to get the big LESBIAN tattooed on my forehead.LOL