oh what a day

So today Baby S turns 3 I guess that means that I have to stop refering to him as baby S. I can't believe that he is 3 it seems like just yesterday that we were looking for donors and planning on having a little one. It will be a low key day since we had his party earlier in the week since the older 2 are at their fathers today. Speaking of the other two I think I am going to have to be heading back to court, I sent my middle man to his father in tears today. It breaks my heart that he has to go when doesn't want to. He asked his father today if he could just stay home and of course he said no. this sent E into tears and sobs. I can't imagine telling him he had to come with me if he didn't want to. I mean I know it would break my heart to hear that come from him but I think that I could be strong enough to do what is best for him or at the least what would make him happy. K told me she only goes so E has someone there that cares about him. Neither of them want to be there and I have avoided doing anything through the courts but I think that it maybe time to see what options they have. I never wanted to come between them and their father, but it seems that for all my good intentions he has managed to alienate them himself. I know that the reason I have put this off for so long is because I don't want the court battle that I know will follow. I know he will pull the gay card and even though I know that it shouldn't have any bearing on our case I always worry that it will. That and the fact that I don't like having to explain myself or my "lifestyle" again and again and again. Oh well I know that I am just feeling sorry for myself, I guess sending your child off in tears will do that, but I can't let the day be ruined. S turns 3 today and so I will cuddle him and we shall play, we will watch kipper and blue and I will get through this just like I always do with the love of my life beside me supporting me and our children no matter what. have a great day